Yesterday is Gone
by Nenalata
Summary: He'd said he'd give her all the time she needed, but time wouldn't ease her guilt or give her back what she'd lost. Spoilers for the end of the game, specifically the Jay ending, but you probably shouldn't be looking up Beyond: Two Souls fanfiction if you don't want spoilers, right?


Making the phone call had been the hardest part, really.

Jodie could remember staring at the payphone for what felt like hours, the quarters in her palm growing warmer and warmer until they felt like a part of her skin. She was pretty sure she had all the details of that rusty payphone memorized, she'd stared at it so long—no one bothered her, no one told her to hurry up. If one of the passerby had a call to make, he'd use his cell phone. The CIA had implied with its lack of action that they were going to leave her alone, but Jodie didn't want to be reckless and use a phone of her own.

There wouldn't have been sense in buying one anyway, Jodie knew now. No reception on Jay's ranch.

So yes, it had taken her a long time to make the call, and yes, it had seemed like a harder choice than her last moments in the functional Black Sun had offered her, but one moment the quarters were in her hand and the next they were clanking down the coin chute, and she'd done it, the phone was ringing, so if Aiden had been there to give her grief for taking so long, he could just shut up.

Well, Aiden hadn't been there.

Jodie swallowed the lump forming in her throat and came back to the present. Ashkii's amber eyes gazed dolefully into her face, clearly questioning her. _Why did you stop brushing me_?

She sighed and pressed her face against his muzzle. There would always be moments like this throughout each day, and as painful as these memories were, she knew she'd gotten the better part of the bargain. Ashkii blew air through his nostrils, the warm puffs soothing against her cheeks, and she could feel his impatience.

As she lifted her head from the horse's and prepared to commence brushing, Jay came into her line of sight.

"You finished yet?" he asked once he approached, eying the saddle still perched on the fence. "You ready to go?"

Jodie smiled at him, embarrassed. "Ah, sorry, Jay. I got kinda lost in thought. Gimme a few more minutes, okay?"

"Sure. I'll be over here when you're done."

She finished brushing Ashkii and saddled up, focusing on the hot sun beating down on her back every time her thoughts threatened to wander. The whole distraction process meant that maybe she took longer than "a few more minutes" as she'd promised, and as she walked the horse out of the enclosure, she could see Jay had made himself comfortable, leaning back against his own horse in such a way that she could tell he'd been in that position for a while.

"Finally," he said, not quite teasing despite his grin. Jodie gave him what she hoped was a meaningful look. Meaningful enough for him to drop his grin and nod, at any rate. Jay hadn't pushed at her, letting her tell him only what she could bear to share at the current moment, and while Jodie could tell he was more than a little hurt and frustrated that she had yet to tell him everything, he was being patient as best he could. For that, she appreciated it, appreciated him.

The canter over to the burial grounds was almost relaxing. The wind sifted through Jodie's ponytail gently at first, then with frenzy as they picked up speed. She had gotten good enough at horseback riding at this point that she could let her mind wander occasionally, which was unfortunate given the direction her mind had taken to wandering lately. The wind in her face didn't blow away the memory of his voice as he'd picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

She'd responded before she could even think to hang up, waste a few quarters. "It's me. Jodie. I need to talk to you. When's a good time to meet?"

"Uh…I don't know. I think I'm free today. Everything okay? Did something happen?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. You wanna meet at the park? Can you make it by, like, four, maybe?"

"Um, I think so. Let me check. Yeah, that works for me. See you then."

"Yeah. See you then."

And the line went dead.

Jodie wasn't sure why that phone call haunted her so much. Maybe, she mused as they dismounted and began the short hike to the burial grounds, it was because of how simple the whole conversation was, given her trepidation regarding calling in the first place.

"Jodie! C'mon! It was you who wanted to come in the first place!"

Jodie glanced up to find Jay already inside. When had she become so absent-minded?

Maybe when she'd lost Aiden's nudging her along.

Ignoring the twinge of sadness that thought provoked, she laughed apologetically and hurried to where Jay was waiting. Paul and Shimasani's graves were almost exactly as how she had left them, albeit a bit less fresh-looking, and as they approached, Jodie could feel a different type of sadness well up in her throat. Jay caught her gaze and wrapped a comforting arm around her waist.

It was strange, being here now after the whole Black Sun fiasco. Jodie had cried at the burial, but standing here in front of the graves, she couldn't feel any tears itching to be shed. She had seen them. She had _seen _them, and they were fine, happy in the Infraworld. Yet the sadness remained. She felt some sort of guilt—a different sort of guilt than the one that had been plaguing her all day—for the deaths, yes; surely there had been something, _something_ she could have done to save them. Surely Aiden could have helped even more.

But, as Jay had said so long ago, they were with their ancestors now. And he didn't even know how right he was.

She owed him an explanation, Jodie realized, staring at the graves. She owed Jay and his family that much and more. Just because she was trying to move on didn't mean she should keep secrets from those dear to her. Tonight, then, once they got back. Probably not a dinnertime conversation, but now that they no longer had to scramble to bar the doors and windows, they'd taken to hanging around inside the house, chatting or sitting in comfortable silence.

"Did you want to…?" Jay trailed off. Maybe he thought she wanted to say a few words, or cry, or put a scraggly desert flower down. Whatever it was, Jodie shook her head and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I think I'm okay. I just wanted to come and feel welcomed back."

"What," he snorted, "I didn't give you a sufficient welcome?"

"I mean…" Jodie said, mock-considering, "I guess if _sufficient _was all you were going for…"

They made fun of each other all the way back down to the waiting horses, light-hearted flirtations that put a bounce in Jodie's step. As the sun set during their ride back to the ranch, their speed once again left little time for talk, and as much as she tried to keep that easy-going mentality in her heart, the dark thoughts from earlier crept back.

The fact of the matter was he'd look so _resigned _when they'd met at the park. Like he'd come to terms with it. His nonchalance might have fooled her had he not turned to leave so quickly, and it was that haste to depart that had made her pull his arm and face her.

The expression in his gaze was difficult to read even had he not needed the eye patch. His body language was open, receptive, with his arms uncrossed and his shoulders relaxed, but that _look_ broke Jodie's heart in a way she didn't think it was still capable of doing.

"You understand, right?" she'd asked, desperately seeking some relief from the crushing sense of guilt. "I've always been clear about my intentions since…before, I guess."

A devil-may-care smile. "I know. You said you'd never be able to trust me again, and I get that. I do."

"It's not…" It wasn't that, exactly, but she was glad she didn't finish that sentence; no sense in hurting him even more.

He'd waited for her to continue her sentence, but when all she did was continue to flounder for words, he gave another carefree smirk and shrugged his shoulders. "You know I'll wait as long as you need."

Maybe the Jodie from another time would have been bristled by that comment, but the Jodie of now only felt…

What _did_ she feel?

What had she felt, watching him walk away? What did she feel now?

Certainly not discontentment. As far as starting afresh was concerned, this was everything she could have asked for, Jodie admitted as she unsaddled Ashkii and followed Jay into the house. This was her home now, with people she loved. The hard work of the day was rewarding and satisfying, and the nights were—well, she was grateful she didn't have her brother around to witness them.

Jodie's laugh, a response to Cory's story, caught in her throat. Okay, maybe she wasn't ready for snide comments about Aiden's moving on to the beyond yet. Cory gave her an odd look that she dodged as she faked a cough into her fist.

It was hard considering the fact that maybe the man whose heart she'd broken was spending his nights letting tears slip out from under his eye patch, or maybe cursing her, or worse, sitting in silence and waiting for his phone to ring. None of these things seemed very like him, to be honest, but then again, he'd been known to surprise her.

And it wasn't just his betrayal on the helicopter that made Jodie say goodbye. It was the little things, like how he had run away from her tears the night she'd invited him over instead of comforting her through the bad memories. Or like his impatience with her when he'd come to take her away from the DPA, snapping how he didn't "give a shit about your pathetic adolescent pouting."

Yes, he had his faults. He wasn't perfect. He was human. He loved her, and she'd once loved him, too.

It wasn't enough. The memories she'd held onto were too much. And now, now, with the loss of Aiden, she couldn't handle _that_. Whatever "that" was.

Cory rose and bid them good night, and soon after his bedroom door clicked shut, Jay's lips were pressed against her hair.

"You seem distracted today," he said into her scalp. Jodie's senses came alive with his presence.

_Did Ryan ever make me feel like this?_

"Maybe."

She could hear the irritation in his voice. "Are you ever going to tell me?"

Jodie turned in her seat to face him, nose to nose. His eyes were crinkled in hurt, the only disturbance his otherwise expressionless broad features revealed.

"Not tonight," she said quietly. He made a frustrated sound that she covered with a kiss on his mouth. "But I know I don't want to keep things from you. You've been clear with me about everything; it's time I return the favor. Just…give me a little time, okay?"

Jay sighed, his warm breath coursing over her face, and some girlish, mushy part of her was touched by how intimate a gesture it was. "All right," he replied, "but you know it's a lot more annoying when you pretend everything's fine, right? You're pretty easy to read."

Jodie grinned sheepishly. "I guess I can agree to that. Soon, 'kay?"

Jay's touch was hot and insistent that night as they made love that night, a hint at his confusion and impatience with the situation. But his arms were gentle around her afterward, and the sleepy kisses he occasionally ghosted across whatever part of her body he could reach told of his blossoming love for her. As the sweat on her body cooled in the desert air, Jodie felt secure in his embrace and willed sleep to end this day of unwelcome reminiscences.

Sleep didn't come.

It was hard to toss and turn with Jay right next to her, so she carefully disentangled herself and rose. It was odd, but it was times like this that she missed Aiden the most. They reminded her of shadow puppets for wide-awake little girls, even a possessive message scrawled across a fogged bathroom mirror. Maybe, Jodie considered, glancing at her own mirror on the wall, part of the reason why she couldn't sleep so often was because the quiet, sleeper-inhabited nighttime was a constant reminder of how alone she was.

It was a good thing Jay was asleep, because she didn't want him to see her crying right now. She stared at the Jodie in the mirror, matching her tear track for tear track. Her breath against the glass slowly misted the other Jodie over, erasing her from sight. She only wished the guilt, the emptiness would be erased with her reflection.

A sound. Not quite a sound; more like a faint tug from beyond. Familiar, but not as present as it used to be. Jodie searched with her mind, found no link to the entity—her brother—that she'd fooled herself into believing had existed just now. She leaned her hands on the dresser, embarrassed at her desperate mood, when she was aware of movement above her. Glancing up, laughter began to bubble out of her lips, sleeping Jay ignored.

STILL HERE

Tomorrow, Jodie decided with utmost certainty as she crawled back into Jay's arms once the laughter had run its course. Tomorrow she would tell them everything—everything about Aiden, the mission, the Black Sun, even Ryan, if they wanted to hear. She would talk until they were tired of her voice, and then they could all decide—together—what to do. Maybe nothing. Most likely nothing. They would appreciate it and move on, no more secrets amongst them. Because it wasn't so much that she knew Aiden was watching as it was that she knew everyone she'd loved and lost was watching; her loneliness was false, keeping her from appreciating the living and those who had passed on. If anyone would understand that, Cory and Jay would.

Jodie had returned to them to move on, but pretending she was starting from scratch was a naïve concept, as Aiden had so helpfully reminded her. She would start small, sharing her secrets, and with time maybe she would be able to come to terms with her guilt. For now, there was a handsome man lying next to her, a man who cared for her despite her secrets, and sleeping next to him seemed an enticing option.

**[end]**

_AN: Before you all yell at me for focusing on the romantic part of the game and not writing something action-packed and plot-driven, I wish to apologize for this. I know, we shouldn't post things just because we wrote them, but this idea was on my mind and I wanted to share, especially since there aren't too many fics for this beautiful game yet. So if I didn't manage to calm your frustration with the romance/hurt/comfort fic that this is, feel free to vent your irritation in a review!_

_If I am wrong and being self-deprecating for no cause, whoops. I guess I'm just paranoid when so far all the B:TS fics are all dramatic and adventure-y. Anyway, I'd really like constructive criticism on this, since I know that the fact that I enjoyed writing this means there will be lots of things to criticize. Thank you for reading! And hopefully reviewing…?_


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